


Would You Like a Little Coffee With The Sex?

by oohtheyhavenibbles (Alethiometric), orphan_account



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Anal Sex, Crack, Crack Fiction, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Oral Sex, Sexual Content, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-15
Updated: 2012-09-15
Packaged: 2017-11-14 06:42:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/512421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alethiometric/pseuds/oohtheyhavenibbles, https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seb and Jim are trying to have a business meeting and get distracted by each others trouser contents.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Would You Like a Little Coffee With The Sex?

**Author's Note:**

> Written for an anonymous prompt: "MorMor? can you guys do that? You haven't done it before... so... can you? Fluffy kind of but with sexy times. That would be kind of cool."
> 
> By Rin, Nibbles, Summer, and Ari.
> 
> We take crack requests/prompts! You can submit one to us at: consultingcrackaddicts.tumblr.com/ask  
> We'll post it on the blog and here on Ao3. :]

“Moran, could you come in here please?” came Jim’s voice from the living room.

Sebastian Moran was trying to get the coffee made, but his boss was notorious for interrupting him every five fucking seconds with whichever new whim crossed his mind.

“Mm.” He grunted in reply, abandoning the boiling coffee maker machine thing on the bench.

“Now Sebby, you know I like it better when you use words.” Said Jim sweetly, batting his eyelashes like a brazen whore.

Sebastian rolled his eyes and snorted, like a warthog that was unhappy with its selection of boyfriend.

“What?”

“That’s better!” Jim said, looking at Sebastian through crazy eyes of insanity.

Jim sat smugly in his seat. He was practically dripping in smug. Smug Hair. Smug Smile. Smug Suit. Smug tie. If he had a pug, you could bet your ass that would be one smug fucking pug. He was so smug that he would win gold in all the events at the Smug Olympics. That is exactly how smug he was, in exact smugness measurements.

“Do you need anything boss, or should I keep making coffee?” Seb asked, exasperated.

“What coffee? I don’t know anything about coffee. Come sit down though pet, I do need to discuss something with you.”

Seb sat. Jim squidged in closer. Seb scooted away.

“If this is a business matter, I want to keep it professional,” said Seb, “Which means hands stay where I can see them... out of pants.”

“It’s my meeting, and I’ll conduct it however I like, Sebastian.” Jim said, with a slight hip wiggle and a frown.

Seb sighed. Of course he would.

Jim snuggled in close, and wrapped his arms around Seb’s waist.

“Now Kitten, how are we going to get rid of those pesky Joneses? Should we make it look like an accident?” he asked, sweetly caressing Seb’s bicep.

“Or... They could make the decision themselves that it’s time to go,” he continued, pinching Seb’s cheek, “Or, they could disappear!” He hissed, far closer to his personal marksman than was appropriate for a “business meeting”.

Jim was kneeling now, BECAUSE THEY’RE SITTING ON A SOFA WHICH I MIGHT HAVE FORGOTTEN TO MENTION, and nipping playfully at Seb’s earlobe - Seb said nothing.

“Please can we, darling? We’ll take them far away and have a lot of fun with them before they snuff it and the world will be none the wiser. We’ll make it fun for you. For both of us” He finished, sounding like a crazy motherfucker.

Well, let’s be real, he sounds that way because he is a crazy motherfucker.

“Well Boss, I think...” Sebastian paused.

Did Jim care what he thought? NO, because Jim had already made up his mind, so whatever. Jim was always like that, asking him for his opinion and then never stopping to listen to the answer. Well. Seb wasn’t going to have any of that this time. Jim could go suck a lemon!

Having worked himself into quite a tizzy, Seb looked for a reason to escape.

“Coffee!” He said quickly, and tried to make a dash for the kitchen toward the abandoned coffee pot, that was just chilling on the bench like a child that’s been left waiting after ballet class and no one has come to pick them up yet even though it’s getting kind of dark out and there are scary people across the street.

“Not so fast, sugar-lump!” Jim sung.

Before Seb knew what was going on, he was tackled to the ground with a small Irish man sitting on his lower back, nails dug into his shoulders. Seb badly want to flip over and pin Jim beneath his toned thighs... OR SOMETHING. But he stopped himself.

“No!”, He thought, “Jim is my Boss... Business meeting... Professional murdering and stuff... Fuck!”

Seb’s body was obviously not listening to him because BONER ALERT! He now had an erection.

“Now Darling, are you just happy to see me or is that a Beretta in your pocket?” Jim snickered as his own little Jimbo popped up excitedly.

“I wouldn’t really mind if it were either, you know. I do love playing with your firearm...”

Jim was a sexual deviant and a minxI He leaned down and licked a stripe up Seb’s thick neck.

“I think the best idea, Sweetheart, would be for you to pluck the Joneses out of their beds in the dead of night,” he pulled Seb’s collar aside and bit down on the juncture between his neck and his shoulder, “and bring them to me, all nicely wrapped up in duct tape. What do you think?”

Seb shifted slightly - Jim’s weight wasn’t bothering him, it was just that he wanted to get his fuck on, which was kind of hard to do when the only penis stimulant available was the wood beneath him.

“Whatever you want, Boss.” He said over his shoulder.

“It is what I want,” said Jim, his voice suddenly dangerous because he’s more melodramatic than all of the children on Toddlers and Tiaras combined, “And do you know what else I want, Kitten?”

There was a small pause while Seb decided it was safer to not answer - he knew what was coming anyway.

“I want you,” Jim growled, grinding down on Seb’s well sculpted butt. Mmm. Sexy muthafuckin ASS-ASSin ass. Jim liked it. He let Seb know by giving the toned behind a small slap. He knew Seb hated having no control, but he loved seeing just how far Seb could be pushed before giving up and fighting back - at the risk of enduring Jim’s insane wrath. (It means angry, Arthur Shappey.)

“Make it wiggle for me Kitten, you know I like that.” Jim said sweetly, “Just like a real kitten, pouncing on some string... Meow” He blinked slowly, his acid eyes were as black as night before they turned suddenly into a beautiful rainbow of sunshine and roses in a flash.

Then, he cackled gleefully as Seb gave in with a sigh and shifted his hips back and forth slightly.

“Oh, good job, Pet!” Jim said, his tone mocking.

“Let me up before I make you ...Boss.” Seb said back, tense with the arousal and discomfort that a teenaged boy might feel if he’s trying to wank but his mum keeps bugging him to do the laundry but he can’t outright tell her to fuck off so that he can masturbate, so he just angrily picks up all his dirty clothes instead.

If he were the blushing type, he would have been doing so at that moment (but he didn’t because he’s a masculine, manly kind of man and he don’t blush for nobody). Instead, he raised himself up on his knees and tried to dislodge his boss from his back - but Jim wouldn’t be de-saddled so easily.

He would much rather ride that fine, fine behind like it was some sort of wild ass - in the donkey sense. Because they’re wild and nasty. And not at all slow. He felt like a glorified murder Jesus, riding his donkey to Nazareth sex town. I mean Bethlehem. Because that’s where they go in that story on the donkey. I forget.

Eventually Seb managed to stand up and shake his rider off (like a wild bucking bronco at a rodeo, being ridden by a hunky cowboy), before grabbing Jim and pulling him by the hips until their bodies met.

“It’s Electric! Boogy Woogy Woogy!” Jim sung sassily into Seb’s ear.

“Is this still a meeting, or what?” Seb asked back, groping Jim’s backside so thoroughly that Jim’s feet nearly left the ground.

Jim gave him a look that translated into something between “Bitch please” and “I have a boner. Fix it, Tiger boy.”

“Of course it is, idiot, and I expect you--” he grabbed Seb’s ass and squeezed hard; it felt like two toasty cheese buns popped out fresh from the oven (Mmm, yum), “--to behave.”

Seb growled then, having had enough. He could plan murders, and he could love a man thoroughly (and violently), but he would not be teased. Unless it was fun teasing, like the kind involving butts and rubber, which this most certainly wasn’t. He picked Jim up, hands under gluteus maximus, and carried him off to the bedroom.

Jim giggled inwardly. He loved riling Seb up.

“Sebastian, no. I’m not done planning the Joneses clean-up.” he said, mock angry.

“Well, you keep planning, I’m all ears.” Seb replied, dumping Jim on the bed like a sack of excessively fashionable Irish potatoes before crawling on top of him and settling down, Jim’s neck under his lips.

“Well...” began Jim, unbuttoning Seb’s shirt and pushing it off over his shoulders, “If we take them in the middle of the night, we know where they all are at once. But perhaps it would be more fun to snatch the family in the middle of the day, while they’re in the middle of things. So much more fun” He casually twirled Sebby babe’s chest hair around one of his spidery fingers, like he was going to spin a web made out of manly boob-whiskers. He is a spider, after all.

Seb grunted in agreement, too busy working on getting Jim nakey.

“What do you say, darling? And then we could keep them all hidden, at opposite ends of the country, and if-” Jim was cut off by Seb’s mouth covering his own.

He thought about going ape-shit, but then he decided that he didn’t give a shit- he loved almost nothing more than kissing his marksman. Especially when there were guns involved (which is another story for another day, you kinky fuckers). 

“Mmm, Sebby” he moaned from his whore mouth.

They murmured breathily as they undressed, handling each others bodies with a sweet sort of violence that was very much their trademark, seeing as they’re both sadistic bastards. They were tender towards one another equally as often as they were disturbingly abusive. Like elderly people who mean well, but don’t understand that whacking people with a cane fucking hurts. Except Jim and Seb would probably enjoy using a cane in bed. Okay, forget that analogy.

“Get on with it Kitten, I do have work to do.” Jim said grumpily, somewhere into Seb’s chest.

“Yes Sir.” replied Sebastian like he didn’t give a shit (because he didn’t), now completely naked.

He shifted down the bed before taking Jim’s fully erect penis between his teeth.

“Oh Sebastian, you had better not.” said Jim, sounding dangerous, and meaning the complete opposite of what he said.

Sebastian only grinned as he bobbed his head, lightly scraping his teeth down the penis in front of him. Jim growled, burying one hand in Seb’s hair before yanking his head up. His eyes gleamed, as did his lover’s.

“I told you not to do that.” He said menacingly, like an angry goose who has been threatened at the park and is about to start honking at everyone and biting all the dicks it can reach.

Sebastian only gave a small smirk in response, like the smug twathead he was.

“Oh, you’re a naughty boy. You’re lucky that you’re certain I like it.” Jim said, letting go of Sebastian’s hair and laying back on the bed, in exactly the same way I imagine Gwyneth Paltrow does at the end of a long day being the most beige and boring person alive. (What are you talking about, Gwyneth Paltrow is awesome. SAY THAT TO MY FACE. SAY IT.) (Gwyneth Paltrow needs to stop, let’s be real.)(An argument between the authors, everybody! *round of applause*)

“Carry on.” He said, with a wave of his hand like he was the Queen - which is an incredibly disturbing visual, holy shit.

And Sebastian did. He blew the shit out of Jim (who thankfully doesn’t look anything like Queen Elizabeth), expertly, and probably a lot rougher than was safe. He blew him like a professional clarinetist who was playing his clarinet under pressure of being shot if he didn’t, because lets be honest, it’s Jim and Sebby Cakes. They would probably do that, so they would know.

Soon, Jim started whining like a spoiled little snothead kid who didn’t get the stuffed unicorn they wanted at the fair because they fucking suck at the ring toss. Haha, ring toss. (Get it? Because rings, and they go around bottlenecks, like a ring around a penis. Tee hee).

“It isn’t enough Sebby, I need you!” he whimpered like a little puppy in need of a good railing.

Or something.

Seb took this as his cue to lube up Jim’s anus, which he did accordingly, making his lover gasp at his touch - because he wasn’t exactly gentle.

Fairly soon, he was kneeling between Jim’s spread legs while his boss looked up at him with heavy lids.

“Open your thighs, you brazen slut.” Seb murmured, his mouth quirked.

“Not until you take that awful condom off.”

“No, the rubber stays”

“I don’t want it.” Jim said, pouting, because what was it to him if Seb got dick sick?

He let his body go limp, his legs flopping open.

“It’s a safety thing. If I’m going to be doing these Joneses in, then I don’t want to have an infected cock, alright?” Seb said gruffly, trying to prop Jim’s legs open.

“Ah, yes. The Joneses...” Jim said, distracted.

He let Seb guide his legs into place, but his mind was elsewhere now - namely on how to murder an entire extended family because two of the clan had interfered with his plans to slowly corrupt all the banks in South East Asia.

“I was thinking Sebby, wouldn’t it be fun if we separated the children from the parents?” he said absentmindedly, while Seb probed his butt with a bunch of fingers one last time before the main event.

“You know, and then if the parents wanted to contact their children, we could make them carve the message into their own skin before slicing it off... Wouldn’t that make a nice little calling card, my love?” He turned to look directly at Sebastian, his face suddenly made of soft marshmallows and clouds.

Seb noticed the change and leaned down to kiss his boss.

“Sounds good Boss,” he said against Jim’s lips, “I’m going to fuck you how you like it now.”

“Good,” said Jim, placing a hand on Seb’s neck and gripping tightly, “I want to feel it, do you understand?”

Seb kissed Jim hard as he pushed roughly into his lover’s body, like a stake being driven into a slightly fat vampire, firm and deep.

“Don’t I always?” He asked as he fucked his partner (in crime and in buttsex).

After several minutes of severe pounding, they were both dripping with sweat and pre-cum. Jim had long since collapsed onto the bed, barely able to hold his legs open - which meant Sebastian had to force them up, as if they were the legs of a dead duck, and he was far from gentle (Have I sufficiently communicated that they are maniacs who like to fuck hard? I hope so.) (because they are FUCKING MANIACS. *ba dum tss*).

“S-Seb!” Jim moaned, crying out as Seb did a particularly nasty thrust.

He flopped an arm across his forehead like some sort of distressed damsel, while his other arm snaked around Seb’s neck, pulling his head closer. Seb got the message and buried his face in Jim’s shoulder, panting heavily as he humped his boss repeatedly - as one would if one were lost in a forest and really needed to hump something. If you know what I mean and I think you do, you sick fuck.

“And after they have no skin left, Sebby, I’ll make them carve the words into their bones.” He said, a bite to his voice that pushed them both close to the edge.

Seb growled and took Jim’s cock in one hand, only giving it a dozen or so strokes before his partner came all over his own stomach. Jim melted into the bed (not fucking literally oh my god), and Seb took the opportunity to push his thighs wider, taking him even rougher before he too came.

Jim hated physical contact directly after sex because he obviously has a ton of issues, so Sebastian quickly pulled out and rolled off his boss in fear of being shot (by a bullet, not his dick) - Jim had shot him before and Seb didn’t doubt he would do it again. He pulled off the condom and went to go and dispose of it in the kitchen, when he heard Jim whined his name.

“Seeeeb.”

“Boss?”

“Can you get me a coffee?”

Seb sighed and nodded. This cycle could continue on all day. He headed out into the living area, only to have to retreat second later - He’d left the Coffee percolating on such a high setting that it had overloaded the machine and exploded, soaking the surrounding area in boiling hot blackness. Like caffeinated lava. Or a tidal wave that might happen if all the Cafe’s in the world were amalgamated into one huge cafe that then exploded and all the hot coffee burst forth in a wave of death and whatever coffee tastes like, idk, I don’t drink it.

Seb was lucky none of it had got on his fine body as he was still nakey from head to toe - the same couldn’t be said about the carpet (I don’t mean it wasn’t nakey, just that it was totally covered in coffee and irreparably stained. That isn’t to say that it was nakey, because it is carpet and cannot be dressed or undressed. Unless you count rugs, which I don’t). He heard Jim giggling from the other room.

“Err, will tea do?” He asked.

“No. Get back in here, I want you now.” Came the reply.

Seb promptly did as he was told, dropping the used condom on to the already ruined carpet. Jim would likely pitch a fit later, as that carpet had cost him thousands of pounds, but right now Seb suspected that the insane banana man wanted nothing more than to stuff his associate full of rubber dildos and spank him.

Or something less oddly specific.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments are always appreciated. :]
> 
> Info for requests/prompts can be found in the notes at the top.


End file.
